The last time I was morbidly ill due to alcohol was a few summers ago at Ben's cousin's house. We went out to dinner with Byron, his ex-wife, and their two-year-old, Oscar (incidentally, I highly disapprove of Oscar as a baby name, though the fact that this particular Oscar is at least one quarter Brazilian makes it acceptable by a small margin), where we had pizza and two bottles of wine, which only three of us actually drank. Then we retreated Byron's house where he rooted around in the pantry until he unearthed some bottles of his father's infamous rotgut wine of choice, Charles Shaw. Charlie Shaw's, or Two Buck Chuck, tastes like prison liquor, made from month-old fruit scraps and brewed in a garbage bag. It is acceptable only when one is already moderately full of alcohol. The true tragedy of this story is that Ben and his cousin switched to Coors Light and failed to offer me any, leaving me with all the wine. The consequences were unpleasant.

When Karen, my work buddy, found out I was leaving, she insisted on bestowing on me some sort of farewell gift.

YUM YUM.


Also: I cut myself bangs.

Santa and Rosebud Restaurants already gave me the greatest gift of all this year, the power to leave this stinkhole known as Ohio, but that doesn't mean that you guys don't have to get me anything. 'Cause I got you stuff.


One night Ben and I were sitting around watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and he said, "You know what I've never experienced before?" I looked at him and asked, "What's that?" "Type 2 diabetes." So we baked enough sugar cookies for a medium sized gathering, which we then consumed entirely on our own.


This is a stick of butter, an entire box of powdered sugar, and some food coloring. If you were to consume everything in those four small tupperware containers, you would die.


Camera angle definitely not helping the manhands.




Three-year-old motor skills.


I said we should open the B&B Bakery to showcase our splendid decorating skills. I'm still checking around to see if operating a bakery out of the trunk of your car is legal, but if it is, come by in 2009 for 3/$2 cookies!